Fast forward 5 months, here I am again feeling the compelling need to write. Nick has some how grown to be my truly "platonic" friend. A guy friend who is not emotionally involve in me..i.o.w. does not like me, which is somewhat refreshing...I had a few new players lately....one being my ex AL and the other Roy...my life seems a recurring pattern of married guys.....why is that so??? How signals have I been sending to the universe that warrant such a recurring, almost consistent pattern?

Am I unintentionally sabotaging myself??

Be Someone

Be Someone who LISTENS and you will be HEARD

Be Someone who CARES and you will be LOVED

Be Someone who GIVES and you will be BLESSED

Be Someone who COMFORT and you will be know PEACE.

Be Someone who GENUINELY SEEK TO UNDERSTAND and you will be WISE

Be Someone KIND and CONSIDERATE and you will be ADMIRED

Be Someone who VALUES TRUTH and you will be RESPECTED

Be Someone who TAKES ACTION and you will MOVE LIFE FORWARD

Be Someone who LIFTS OTHERS HIGHER and you WILL BE RICH

Be Someone FILLED WITH GRATITUDE and there will be NO ENDS OF THE THINGS YOU WILL BE THANKFUL FOR

BE Someone who LIVES WITH JOY, WITH PURPOSE, as YOUR OWN LIGHT BRIGHTLY SHINES.

BE, IN EVERY MOMENT, THE SPECIAL SOMEONE YOU ARE TRULY MEANT TO BE.

Do I not love myself? How do I not love myself? What's the sign and symptoms? Promiscuousity?  I crave intimacy but I find it in the wrong places? Do I subconciously get attracted to married man so as to boost my self-esteem? only to crumble after that when I hate myself for the act that I have done? .......How do I sort this out...it needs to be done for my peace of mind......help me GOD if you are listening........show me the signs or means to my answer please!



Reflection of the passing year and Resolution for the new year 2012

Looking at what I wrote a few years ago, makes me feel I should blog more as it really jot down my thoughts at various time in my life which serves as a good reflection for me when I look back.... Well, its new year day today, just welcomed 2012 about half an hour ago. I just came back from our yearly family gathering at San Gu's which always warm my heart as to how lucky I am to have such stable and warm family that keeps me grounded and appreciative of what I have.

Had a good chat with Yueqing and Yanli today at Holland village catching up on our individual lives at work and home. Seems every family has their own trouble. Yanlin is struggling with a paranoid and anxiety disorder mum whereas Yueqing is have problem with a irresponsible and delusional sister who has four kids but clueless as to how to provide for them. Well, I have trouble with a gambling sister whom chalked up such a huge debt that would really take "forever" for her to repay.......sigh

Reflecting on this year......

Work has been stable with fairly good business monthly and I am getting more consistent in results and getting patients better. I had a raise in pay after 5 years with my boss finally agreeing to pay me CPF ( of course I have to give credit to the foreign worker that she intends to employ for that). She recently asked me to office to enquire about my career plans in the future but I am really not sure what I really want to do.......I like the clinical part of the job but I can't stop at just that and I know I can't massage my whole life too......I need some planning for my future and retirement especially since it looks like I am going to remain single.

On the family front, its been a year since we have moved to Duxton and I must say we have all settled in well. Ashton has grown much to be healthy, bright, thoughtful yet playful boy. He took me for granted for a long while but after my trip to USA, he seemed to have changed and appreciated me more. He is growing up really fast now and may no longer be cute baby Ashton anymore, how I wish he can stay at this cute stage a bit longer...but then that would be too selfish.....will miss his playful lovable self when he grows up....hope he doesn't forget how "Big Yi Yi" used to dote on him. Jia managed to finally come to terms and own up to her gambling habit when she can't hide her lying ways no more. Mum had to save her by clearing her debt for her but was very sad and heartache for awhile. Think it will be sometime before she comes to terms with that.... Hope it would be soon and not later.....

Relationship front.......drifted away from Rei but I jumped into another fire with James..not sure is it for the better or worse...but we met up quite infrequently. Also met Nick on another online dating website, Badoo. He seems like a decent guy but yet another "friends with benefit".............why do I not have any luck with "Normal" guys??? Is the problem really with me???

New Year Resolutions

-Clear my escalating debt
-Improve my financial quotient, education!
-Stop BUYing STUFF
-Invest in ASSETS that give me CASHFLOW

In loving memory of Kaiyan........

It was a sad day for me cos I lost a dear friend and brother today.....Kaiyan. He passed on after a a year long battle with lyphoma cancer. His death is so sudden that we were all caught off guard and the lost is so heart-wrenching as he is such a young, promising and good man. He is someone who will go all the way out for anyone in trouble or needed help. His bright, positive and unrelenting spirits never fails to inspire and infect people around him......

Kaiyan di di,

Thank you for coming into my life for you have taught me many things. You have exemplify kindness, generosity, compassion, unwavering spirit and love. As much as I hate to see you go, I am sure you are happier where you are now, free from pain and suffering that you have endured for so long. Rest now brother, you have fought hard and well. Memories of your bright smile and encouraging words will always etched deep in my heart......Take care and love always!

Birthday Reflections.....

Wow...its been half a year since I last blogged. Feel a sudden compulsion and inspiration on my 34th birthday....34 such a dreaded number....What have I achieved the last 34 years? Don't know why but was feeling unusually melancholic today. Sad that Hin didn't remember my birthday, disappointed that my colleagues didn't even bother to buy me a cake. Was glad at the same time that people whom I will never expect to, remembered my BD...like Uncle Chin Kee, Ting Ting, Vanessa and Peter, Candy, Nawar, Wanfen, KK and Nicholas too. Although I have to give credits to the creators of Multiply, Facebook and Friendster, it heart-warming nonetheless. 

Worked for half day today and went to Ngee Ann City as I got news that Sephora is opening today. From what I saw from the outside, it seems pretty disappointing as they are selling brands that we can get it easily from the shopping center beauty counters such as Estee Lauder, Lancome and Biotherm etc.  Went back home after that and played with Ashton boy who is such a Gem, playing with him takes my troubles away, he is so adorable and lovable!!!!  took a short power nap and met daphne, bernard, david, michelle, louise, derek, lynn and brandon for dinner at Park Mall.....it was quite enjoyable to catch up with everybody as its getting harder to gather everyone nowadays for everyone is busy with their work and various committments.

Thank you all for a lovely birthday..... 

Darkness no more

Its been a long while since I last blogged. No real reason, just plain lazy I guess. Life has indeed changed quite  a lot since then. Where shall I start???

Family

Mixed feelings about my brother's divorce. Sad that he has to go through the pain and process of separation and had to be in debt to keep his house. But I am happy at the same time as the ex-wife is just not good for him, deceitful and just too cunning for simple-minded him. At least he is back at home, so mum can keep an eye on him!

So happy that there is a new addition to the family, namely ASHTON boy on the 15th March 2008.  He is such a cute and yet naughty boy very good at tucking at everyone's heart string. Always look forward to going home to play with him, bringing him for walks along the corridor! Today is in fact his 4th month birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DARLING ASHTON BOY!

Happy also for Sze whom manage to find her true love in Freddy whom is stable and honest person. He is really patient and tolerant to be able to "tahan" Sze's countless tantrums and

irritating "deh"ness!....=)

Happy also that dad and mum are in good health and happy. God or whatever greater force out there, please keep it that way.  Although I must say I sometimes take them for granted. I promise to do whatever I can to be filial and love them with all I can.

Thank you for blessing me with a most loving and wonderful family that I could not have ask for more. I wish all of them the best of health, laughter and happiness and free from any sufferings and pain.

Career

I think I made the right choice in changing to private practice as I found that I learnt a lot that I would have not if I would have stayed in SGH. Its just opened up my perspective professionally that I finally feel, I can make a difference in someone's recovery by reducing their pain. I don't know why I keep doubting my abilities at times though. I should stop doing that and just trust in myself. Currently working with my good friend, Jessica. I detected some friction between us during work but I hope we can manage it well such that it won't sabotage our friendship. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Love life?

Not much to speak of actually. I am super glad that I have finally off SW. I don't long for him, I don't miss him, I don't love him anymore (I think). Its like gradually waking up from a bad dream which became a habit. When I looked back, I wonder how did I allow myself to fall so deep. I can't even bear to see the letter I wrote him quite a while ago admitting my love and exposing my raw wound which he nonchalantly trample on of course! But I think the letter did helped me a lot. It made me realized my stubbornness  and stupidity which pave the first step in me getting him out of my system. I am glad I succeeded.

Hin came in at a time that strengthened my resolution further. His love made me realized that I deserved much more. I don't know why I needed someone to believe in myself first before I can, like how Teck helped me to get over Alvin. Hin is a lovely, generous and kind man, if he was 20 years younger, I would not hesitate to accept him but he is not. I just can't get pass the age gap between us and sad to say, I always regarded him as a father. I feel so bad that I have hurted him in the process of allowing him to love me. I am really selfish...............

Chester has been his usual wise self but is struggling with his career since he came back from Australia. I stopped by his place from time to time but it gets uncomfortable. I detect that he still loves me but also knows that it is impossible between us.

I don't know why I readily let a stranger touch me but I would violently object to anyone close to be intimate with me. Its the same with Benjamin, Hin and Chester. Its as if I am ashamed of showing my true self to people who are dear to me and its alright with strangers as they don't know me know me.......It hurts really bad when Hin said " Why do you react so violently to me touching you when you readily go to bed with scumbags like SW? You know how shitty it feels that I am not even good enough compared to him!!!"

What's love? Am I going to find it? Think I am sending out signals..."Don't find me!" Seriously, need to do something in that aspects.

Who am I? What do I want in life?

I want PEACE. I want to stand unwaiver at times when I would have reacted with annoyance and anger. I want to be a better person , not complaining, not envying, not judging, not reacting. I just want to be happy in finding peace.....in appreciating things that come my way, be it good or bad, be it happy or sad. Please give me strength, wisdom and lots and lots of perseverance. 

Sleepless yet again

Suffered intense pain and discomfort today........unrinary tract infection......painful that it made me almost want to cry and also reminded me of what I did again on Tuesday. Thought so much about it until I am sleepless again...Am I ready to let him go now? Why am I not doing it still? Why is loving someone so difficult and painful? Its the same turmoil over and over again......same shit diffferent time.....how can I change the situation?

Work has been well with nice and appreciative patients and pleasant co-workers. Family is good too, all in good health and happy. What should I not be happy about?

No more....I want it no more.......

Had an eventful night last night.......a tight slap in my face that literally woke me up.

Asshole called me at 2 am in the morning in his drunk stupor asking me to meet him cos he misses me and wants to see me. Kept begging me..."Please..Please...Please....I want to see you and I miss you so much". I was already prepared to sleep... and the sickening selfish pig just keep saying he wants it NOW..., he doesn't care that I am tired and sleepy and I have to wake up early next morning to work!!! The soft-hearted me, gave in to him once again , running the risk of being found out by my parents and sneaked out of the house to meet him.....

I paid for his taxi-fare and stuff and met him. He had the nerve to push me against the wall and scold me for giving him attitude!!! Said if i am not willing then we should just go and not bother about this......I could have just walked away then but I didn't......I swallowed my pride and stayed.........

It suddenly hit me, how an utterly selfish, egoistic, ruthless, lying bastard he is. How on earth did I fall for such a guy? What went through my bloodly stupid mind??? All he cares is his wants and he will go through all means and ways, lie, coax, cheat, threaten, act pitiful and whatever so as to get his way and he knows he will get it anyway, cos he is damn charming and all!!!!

He went through the deed without an ounce of tenderness, asked for it, took what he wanted, fell over and promptly fell asleep. He doesn't give a shit about me! How I would feel and what might happen to me.....!! It hit me cold and hard then, this bastard has no trace of conscience in him at all, what have I done to deserve being treated like this ??? Tears ran down my face, thoughts of the countless things that I have done for him and how he treated me all this while went through my mind and I asked myself is this what I get in return???.....my stupidity is such mockery it hurts me to the core as I left him snoring blissfully away.....

Guess what? He can still call me a few hours later, repoaching me for leaving him alone in the room without leaving any money for him......and what did I do? I instinctively transferred 80 bucks to him to pay for the room and his cab fare..... and I even called and checked on him a few hours later to see whether he is alright. He had the nerve to ask me what happened last night and apologised for his action saying he was "fucking drunk" and doesn't know what he was doing. How convenient an excuse right? "SORRY" just miraculously undo all wrongs and everything SHOULD be back to normal again......

Ridiculous and incredible right? Such is my life.......sadly.....

This is my last straw, I can't ignore my anguish and pain anymore. I can't let this episode go, ignore and forget it. I just can't do this to myself anymore, I don't deserve any of this, I really don't. Everything has to end. I can't let myself settle for less like before. With this entry, I have to let him go for good.......no more.......I want it no more......